I recently heard of a group in south Florida that have dedicated their lives in the pursuit of indulgence (overindulgence some might say). I met with the 3 people that call themselves the Church of Consumption at a 24 hour pancake house just to the left of downtown Hialeah. In between slurps of syrup clogged waffles and quaffs of chocolate milk I interviewed the 3 members.

DEREK: So what made you decide to call yourself a church?

BOB "BIG BOY' LANDERS: It fit our mindset. Once we decided to live the lifestyle we wanted to live we went into full steam. It has become a religion to us.

DEIRDRE SANDROUGH: And it's made us the happiest we've ever been. That's what a church or a religion is suppose to do, right? So when Bev told us about her idea-

BEVERLY LANDERS: Well it wasn't just my idea. We had all been talking about how bad society was making us feel.

This church believes in tithing at a 21.4% APR

D: Making you feel bad?

Bev: Yea, you know all those skeleton thin models and all that "don't eat this, it'll kill you" or "don't smoke", or "don't wear fur."

Deirdre: Actually I don't have a problem not wearing fur.

Bev: You know what I mean Deirdre. Everybody is getting so politically correct about everything it was just driving me, and all of us, up the wall. We couldn't be what we wanted to be.

Bob: Yea, fat. (laughs)

Bev: More than that although I'm the first to sing hosannas about the glories of food. But if God had wanted us all to be money saving superthin vegan models he wouldn't have made it possible to use your credit card at the supermarket.

Deirdre: Amen!

Derek: So what does the church stand for?

Bev: We stand for embracing all aspects of indulgence. If chocolate cake taste better than celery, why eat celery? If you can buy a Lexus convertible on credit, why settle for using your savings to get a Honda? Why have a savings account at all? Money is meant to be spent on the luxuries of life, not hoarded away for a rainy day that may never come.

Bob: Plus a Lexus is roomier than a Honda.

Derek: But what about your health?

Deirdre: What about it? Fat people have been on this planet just as long as thin people. If being fat was so unhealthy then we would have evolved out of it long ago. It's just lately with all those anorexic vomiting actresses on TV that everybody has gotten so uptight about how they look or what they put into their mouths. Did that sound right?

Derek: Sorta, I know what you mean.

Bev: But it's more than that. Take exercise for example, There was a survey done a couple of years ago that showed that joggers live an estimated 3 years more than non joggers. That may seem great till you read the rest of the report and find out that when you add up how many hours a day these people jog, they are going to spend 5 years of their lives jogging! So in reality they've wasted 2 years of their lives doing nothing but running around city blocks in bad looking shorts and sweatbands.

Derek: And your outlook on financial security is the same?

Bob: Exactly the same. If God hadn't wanted me to have credit why would he have all those banks send me those pre-approved applications? I've got 8 Visa right now and all but 2 are mated out. I can't afford the payments but they don't care. When the bill gets too high I just call them and tell them I can't pay it and I don't know what I'm gonna do. As soon as you mention the magic word "bankruptcy" they get really happy to help me and refinance me at a lower interest rate and let me pay $50 a month. They want us to be in debit. God wants us to be in debit. So I'm in debit. It's simple and it makes everybody happy.

Derek: But aren't you worried what will happen to you in the future?

Bev; Derek you could walk out of this restaurant right now and get hit by a bus walking across the street. You'd be dead just the same as if I died of a heart attack while you were eating a fried pork chop. The difference is I'd died happy. You'd die without knowing how much fun it is to embrace temptation. Plus credit card bills are non-transferable. If I have kids they will have to amass a debit of their own. I'm taking my credit history to the grave. Ain't America wonderful?

Deirdre: You have to live for the moment.

Bob: And right at this moment I'd like another glass of chocolate milk. (laughs)

Derek: So do you meet in a church or have services?

Deirdre: Oh no, we're not that kind of church. Basically you're at a service right now. Whenever we go out, if it's to an all you can eat restaurant or to the mall to buy stuff we don't really need, that's when we're worshipping. I guess we're better than most churches cause we actually do more than just give lip service to our beliefs in some fancy building. We actually go out and live our lives by the church creed.

Derek: Creed?

Bev: Live your desires. It seems to say it all, dontcha think?

Derek: It sure does.

The Church is not seeking new members but encourages those interested to start their own branch. Most Sunday mornings you can find a worship service occurring at the Pancake House off US 1 in Hialeah.

sources

Interview with church members Sunday March 5th, 2000

photo by Derek Barnes