November 22nd, 2000
Greetings from Ground Zero of the Presidential Wars,
I sit here in the underground Freakylinks bunker, while the rest of Florida explodes into conflict above me. Above my head I can hear the rattle of small arms fire pinging off voting machines, I can smell the odor of burning ballots wafting down into my shelter. I glance at my stockpile of Fudgesicles and Chunky soup, hoping that I have enough to last me thru this crisis.
On the streets above me, armed bands of Democrats and Republicans clash with one another. Their cries of "recount" and "finality" echo thru the deserted sections of town like the screams of babies having their favorite toy snatched away. I throw another lock on the door and pray they don't come looking for another recruit into their mad political schemes.
News of the war is spotty but I've been able to hear a few tidbits of information by tuning into my official Barry Goldwater ham radio. Here's what I know.
Jeb Bush has declared himself "Governor for Life" and is currently holed up in his Tallahassee Governors mansion where he issues new proclamations upon the hour. His last order was for all Alabama college girls to get their butts to Panama City Beach where the first annual "Bush Beer Bash" is to be held.
Scattered reports out of South Florida report that roving gangs of elderly senior citizens are arming themselves with stolen National Guard weapons and using them to force everyone to play bingo and drive in the left hand lane with the right turn signal on. They are now in the process of blowing up all bridges leading into the city but say it might take a while since they promised their grandchildren to "bake a nice bundt cake."
Cuban immigrants in Miami have announced that they are seceding from the US and that Dade County has been named "Cuba-2." Recently arrived President-elect Elian has ordered that Cuba-2's first order of business is to invade Disney World.
....and so the madness continues
AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR SPONSER
Got a new article all ready in the Freakopedia and you should check it out while that sucker is still toasty warm. Is there a paranormal terrorist group operating in San Francisco? I'll leave it up to you to figure out if I was being lied to or if the Golden Gate Satyr's really exist. Either way it makes a good read.
FUN WITH GUNS
Last week I challenged ya to come up with an answer to the "What the heck kinda gun is that" question that was asked by our mysterious governmental agent. Well many of you gave it your best on the conspiracy discussion board and I had a hard choice picking the winner. Still after it was all said and done I thought Peaches might have hit upon it when he or she wrote:
"I got it! It is a blur dispenser. That's why the shooter's face is blurred. It back-fired."
Makes perfect sense to me. For his or her efforts (Man but I hate androgynous names, don't you?) Peaches wins a Freakylinks t-shirt suitable for cleaning fish, lining birdcages or maybe even wearing. Don't fret if you didn't win cause I give away stuff every week in the newsletter. All ya have to do is sign up to be in on the madness.