January 12th, 2000
How you doing? What brings a nice girl like you to a sleazy web page like this? You dig my suit? Gen-u-wine thunderbird skin, I tanned it myself. Thats right baby, I'm hip and with-it and decked out to the paranormal nines. The shoes are hoopsnake hide, the cologne is Aroma de Ectoplasmic and the silver chain was a werewolf bullet that I had melted down. You wanna go for a ride in the freak-mobile? It's an automatic, hydromatic 4 wheelin' greased lightning ride of your life complete with simulated Shroud of Turin bucket seats.
Hey baby, where you going? I ain't good enough for you? Well then can I at least get a DNA sample so I can clone ya sometime?
. . .Oh my
Glad I got that out of my system. See, this is what happens when I start going out to bars with Jason. I combine the worse aspects of the macho male with the freaky geek. Girls see me sit down next to them at the bar, glance at my "Possum Day in Wausaw Florida" T-shirt and skidaddle right on out of there. (is skidaddle a word?)
For some reason Lan likes going out with me and Jason. No, wait a minute she's reading this over my shoulder and is correcting me. "Observing" is what she calls it.
I call it observing because I in no way endorse the male's regard as a bar as the perfect place to meet your future wife. Having been a bartender for many a year, I have seen it happen a dozen times and no matter how smooth the guy thinks he is, the girl is always the one who has to decide if she will appear to fall for the line that she is being given.
This comes from a girl who thinks that this shoe is the epitome of fashion. And in the first place, who's talking about meeting your perfect wife? In case you're wondering, I ain't looking. Oh of course there's been a time or two when ole' Derek "the epitome of singleness" Barnes (is singleness a word?) has thought about settling down and having the little nuclear family with 2.5 kids and a minivan in the garage . . . .but then I snap out of it! I mean I ain't no ladies man but I've done my share of heart breaking and I have yet to find the kinda girl who makes me go all googly eyed.
Oh sure girls are fun to play with and they have got all kinds of interesting parts that I don't have but there has not been a single one in the past 2 years that's ever been all excited when I tell 'em what I do for a living. Most of them kinda shrug and ignore my blabbering on about skunk apes and people who worship sink holes. The most I have gotten is a "well, that's different." I'm waiting till I met a woman who can look me in the eye and smile when I say "The temperatures created in a spontaneous human combustion has always fascinated me."
On the off chance that you're a good looking gal between the ages of 20 and 30 who is into SHC just let me say that I'm 25 and a Capricorn and if a studmuffin in a "Criswell Predicts" T-shirt is just what you're looking for, lemme know..
. . .oh yeah, Check out what some intrepid fishermen pulled out of the bay in San Francisco last week. A fish that is a freakylink all to itself.
Derek "Covering my bases" Barnes