April 5th, 1999
Hey there, watch where you point that thing,
It's another beautiful day here in the land of sunshine and tourists. I know it may be cold, wet, and miserable where you are but here it's 72 degrees with a not a cloud in the sky. Of course in 2 months it will be 102 in the shade with 90 percent humidity but right now it's just about as perfect as God can make it.
Our cub reporter in Budapest sent an amazing e-mail this week about a Hungarian woman who claims to have given birth to an octopus. Make sure you check it out.
You know, speaking of births, I always wonder why expectant fathers feel the need to be in there with the wife when they give birth,. I know it's to make him feel like a part of the whole process and everything but if you ask me (and you wouldn't be reading this rant unless you were interested in my opinion) the whole thing is overblown. If you are the guy, your place is to be outside of the delivery room, pacing up and down the center of the aisle, and smoking like a chimney at a rendering plant. Every once and a while you could go to the door of the room where your wife is giving birth just to listen in but as soon as she screamed out you would be right back to smoking a cigarette and doing the two step. You don't need to be in there doing some stupid ass breathing technique along side of her. She don't give a crap if your next to her face going "In with the good air, out with the bad." She could care less. You could be in Bangkok, drinking rum with a hooker for all she cares. All she wants to do is to get that pain over with as fast as possible.
And another thing, there is no need for Dad to be in there with a video camera recording. No one, including your parents, are going to want to see little Timmy's first appearance in this world. It's something you and all the rest of the relatives can live without. What, you think that 2 months later you're going to throw a dinner party and then later say, "Hey, how's about we watch my wife give birth?" Nope, not gonna happen. You think your wife is going to want to see the birth from a different angle 6 months later? No, she isn't. She was there. The last thing she wants to be reminded of is what a fool she was to get knocked up by you in the first place. Trust me, fathers-to-be, go get a carton of extra high tar cigarillos and lace up your tennis shoes. The less you know the better off you'll be.
Of course this is just my opinion, I've never had a wife or a kid and wouldn't know what Lamaze was if it stood up and asked me for a light.
Derek "high sperm count" Barnes