July 20th

Hey there, hi there, ho there,

I'd like to thank all of you for the e-mails. Our top suggestion right now is "Derek's Self Important Pile of Fake Crap"

Got a nice ring to it dontcha think?

Meanwhile keep sending in those e-mails. I really enjoy knowing that someone spent time out of their life to write to me. It kinda brings a tear to this little ole' skaters eye.

Also check out our brand new DISCUSSION BOARD! That's right. Now you can carry on a conversation about me with another person you have never met. Just another service brought to you from "Derek's Self Important Pile of Crap"

A discussion board was something I had been meaning to do but Lan took like 2 minutes to set it up and poof, viola, there it was. There's some ground rules so read the header before you go posting nekkid pictures of yourself on there.

We also now have a actual mailing PO Box so we can look official to all those companies Lan has been on the phone with. If you wanna drop me snail mail then just mail me at

PO Box 532112
Orlando Fl

No letter bombs, the post office frowns on that kinda stuff and I'm training Mr. Crowley to be a bomb sniffing dog just in case. (Here boy, here boy, go get the pipe bomb! Good boy!)

So there you have it. Two new ways to get information to me. I'm still not giving any of you freakz my home phone number though, so stop asking.

One of the books I got in that junk store had a chapter on an interesting character called Spring Heeled Jack. Basically a prankster from Victorian England. He fits my image perfectly so I'm making him the mascot. Viva la Jack!

Lan has a friend who is in Budapest, who has agreed to become our first foreign correspondent. Lan is full of ideas ain't she? She's a little whirlwind of gumption. A towering spire of dedication. A shining beacon of hard work that we can all look toward. (that should be enough praise to keep her working for the next week)

Lan also has a new job bartending at the same place I work at. (She is much better at it than me) If you see a girl with an attitude pouring you a drink, don't make any witty come ons.

For you gourmets out there I uploaded two stories on religious symbols found in food (one in a banana the other in a cabbage.) Go check it out and leave me in peace so I can give Mr. Crowley his bath.

hurdy gur,
Derek "monster" Barnes

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