January 26th, 2001
Ya know just when you think you know someone they go and tell you something about themselves that you had no idea about. What am I babbling about? Well I'll ya, recently Jason clued me into the fact that not only is his Dad a lawyer but that he is as well! Yea that's right, Jason, Mr. "I wear tank tops so I can flex my muscles and make Derek feel inferior" Tatum has himself a law degree and everything. I tell ya it's enough to make me wonder about the rest of the group around here. Next thing I know Lan will be telling me she used to be a fashion model in France back in the late 70's. (And if that's true and anyone has pictures, lemme know.)
Anyway, the where's and why on how I learned about Jason and his secret identity is chronicled in the newest Freakopedia story. Check it out boys and girls and learn all about the murderous past of one of Baltimore's founding fathers.
NOW ON TO THE FUN STUFF
In last week's newsletter I asked everyone their opinion on the question; "If Bigfoot and the Chupacabra got into a fight, who would win?" I was surprised, amazed and utterly baffled at the huge amount of e-mail I got. It seems that you guys have got definite ideas about who would come out on top in this battle royal. Below I have printed some of the top responses to the query in order that the rest of you can see how your fellow freaksters feel. (Interestingly enough the e-mails were just about evenly split with half of you betting on Bigfoot and the other half rooting for the Chup....)
1. Freaky reader Dylan thought that the outcome would all depend on who was overseeing the fight:
"It depends whether Don King or Vince MacMahon were promoting the fight.
Chupacabra spends the whole match pummeling the hell out of Bigfoot. However, due to Bigfoot's popularity, and financial leverage by King, the judges award the match to Bigfoot. No one suspects Don King of chicanery. Fortunately a rematch is already in the works. A very profitable rematch.
Bigfoot and Chupa' spend 15 grueling minutes taking turns pounding each other senseless. Finally, Bigfoot puts on his finishing maneuver, "The Final Stomp", and it looks like the end of Chupa'. But wait, as the 'ref counts 1... 2... Chupa's manager, Nessie comes in and smacks 'Da Big One from behind with a steel chair, disqualifying Chupa' and forcing a very profitable rematch. "
2. Black Angel got a little confused
"chubaca would so win. think about it he lives in a high tech world with
superhuman knowledge and bigfoot lives in the woods with bugs..... and if
chubaca is getting beat he has hans solo and luke to get his back."
3. Frogwoman was thinking about the news coverage of the event
After long deliberation i came to the conclusion that the winner would be NATIONAL ENQUIRER because there would be a photo on the front page.
4. Michael needs to know what Bigfoot I am talking about.
" I think its important to know which Bigfoot we're dealing with here. If
its the standard "Pacific Northwest/Canada" variety then I'd have to go with
the Chupacabra... it's a vicious bloodsucking U.S. Gov. / Alien hybrid
(important) experiment that escaped or was let go. If Bigfoot were to get
the upper hand, those pesky unmarked black helicopters reported hovering
around sightings of the Chupacabra, would swoop down and help out the
BUT IF THE BIGFOOT were the same bigfoot from the Six Million Dollar Man
(Remember that TV show?) -- then it would be a no brainer... That Bigfoot
took a pounding from the best technology the U.S. Gov. could cram into
Steve Austin and Bigfoot gave as good as he got! Bigfoot vs Chupacabra after
Steve Austin????? Bigfoot all the way !!!
5. Newtiki thinks it's a no brainer as well
"chupacabra... everyone south of the border has some crazy ass wrestling
moves up their sleeves"
6. Matthew won a t-shirt not because of his answer but because the title to his e-mail made me laugh out loud.
"Bigfoot puts the whoop in whoop ass"
7. Several of you posed your reply as a question best answered in the wrestling ring. I thought Freaky reader Travis did it best:
ANNOUNCER: "SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY! Welcome to the MATCH OF THE MILLENIUM! Tonight's fight is CRYTO CARNAGE!!! A battle between 2 of the most famous unexplained creatures out there! It's SAS "Big Foot" QUATCH VS. EL CHUPACABRA "the Mexican goatsucker!"
LLLLEEEEETTTTSSSS GEEEETTT REEEEAAAAADDDDYYYY TTTOOO RRRRUUUUMMMBBBBBBLLLLEEEE!!!!!!!!!!"
BELL RINGS "First round":
Chupa and Mr. Foot immediately charge one another leaving there corners cold and lonely. Punches are thrown from both fighters but neither shows a sign of pain! They duke it out exchanging dead arms and charlie horses like a couple of 3rd graders at recess... finally the finishing bell rings- and the two animals are herded to their corners.
they rest a little. BELL RINGS
As the two fighters begin to approach each other, the aroma of Hotdogs and snack bar food fills the ring. They begin to sniff frantically and climb out of the ropes into the main hall. The Audience flips out and begins running for the exit, When suddenly out of the rafters comes a hideous shriek! Both Chupacabra and Sasquatch look up! ITS.. ITS... Its THE JERSEY DEVIL!!! The Jabberwocky leaps from the support beams and flaps towards the two cryptos and buzz bombs them at an incredible speed. By Now the audience is gone and as the Announcer flees his booth he sees the trio engage in a mob fight! As police and bystanders listen to the thunderous carnage break loose inside, the Arena begins to crumble and fall apart! The structure begins to cave in as dust clouds poor out of the debris. After silence has fallen over the pile of wreckage, officials start to search for any survivors. But in the mist of all the mess they only find a single foot print of a large humanlike foot and a cheesy photograph of some kind of scaly, big eyed, kangaroo with quills... No one knew what happened to the animals- looks like any other case dealing with these elusive creatures of the crypt... SO how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop, well- just like this match, the world may never know....
8. And finally Ernie takes it all very seriously:
When I edited the Bigfoot article in Soviet Life Magazine in the
beginning of 1978 the Russians would say, "Speak not of the wood sprite,
lest ye summon him." Sasquatch, or Zemlyedyelnik (The Land-Surveyor) as
they called him was given a respectful distance. You must knock three times
on wood to indicate your respect for the wood of the forest -- the mission
of these beings is to preserve certain cover types, to balance an economy of
However, in his many forms, Bigfoot seems to avoid trouble -- and seems
to shy away from humans -- who could blame him?
But let's be a little more scientific: Isn't this a little like saying,
"If a tiger and a man met in the jungle, who would win the ensuing fight?"
Bear with me (I'm not introducing another species) because this comparison
should seem apt in the full presentation of my argument. Are we talking
about a big man? How old is the tiger? What is the physical condition of
One of the things that annoys me about humans is that they deny
individuality to all creatures whose sentience they can't detect. You know
that all humans do this! I can hear them talking now! But on with the
point at hand . . .
Let's suppose that both the Chupa-cabra and the Bigfoot were in good,
but not great physical conditioning. It's hard to get a Sasquatch to train
for an engagement, and the Chupa-cabra doesn't want to follow any rules.
Let's suppose that Bigfoot has more fear of Society than of individual
humans, so that he won't avoid conflict with the Chupa-cabra, who most
definitely threatens his interests at home and abroad.
Having laid all this groundwork, let's further characterize the
Chupa-cabra: We should believe that he is a distinct "species," if such
catagorization is possible with this creature. Their numbers are fewer and
they have no organization such as a Society of Humans -- although they will
attack in groups -- they do so as individuals, not in cooperation. The
Chupa-cabra pays no attention to destruction parallel to his own -- another
Chupa-cabra attacking or a coincident airplane crash -- will not distract
him from his aim. He is a hunter.
In what ways is he a hunter? It is generally accepted that the
Chupa-cabra is a man -- or was a man at one time. The great mystery of the
Chupa-cabra is how he comes to be converted. Something seems to affect him
so that he remains an outcast after his conversion -- he cannot return to
the normal society of men and must feed on cattle.
The disappearance of a man or some men always seems to coincide with the
appearance of a Chupa-cabra -- there are celestial phenomena observed in the
interim of the disappearance, but no attempt to connect the Chupa-cabra with
UFOs and your standard cattle mutilations has been successful. This is more
a failure of research than a failure of observation: There is a connection,
but nobody has proven what it is. It is also believed that the "converted
men" who disappear are repugnant to the sight, but are able to exist in
fringe and criminal elements because they are feared but willing to involve
themselves in disputes among humans -- if it is to their advantage. This
may be why illegal immigrants also call their smugglers "Coyotes."
Now to the contest: The Bigfoot is superior in physical strength and
careful in his observation. The Chupa-cabra depends upon his ability to
extract blood from the more "bovine" of creatures -- those not likely to
resist, too much in fear or too weak to escape. Bigfoot avoids the note of
humans who might build shopping malls on his forest homes (thus the ironic
title of "Land Surveyor"), but he does not fear the attack of man, whether
converted into Chupa-cabra or not. This is an unlikely, but not impossible
contest: Bigfoot favors temperate, moist forests while the Chupa-cabra
seems to take a chill easily and likes hot climates and sparser air.
Chupa-cabra gets his moisture from blood.
Despite the apparent moral bias, it is the physical strength, cunning
and sense of purpose that makes Bigfoot the winner. The Chupa-cabra is a
slave of impulse and somewhat manic in his actions -- it is the moment of
the undisciplined attack in which the Bigfoot would calmly dispatch this
nuisance and destroyer of life. Although they both generally stay within
their own domains, Sasquatch will be within the observing distance of
humans, but undetected -- a defender rather than an aggressor. The
Goatsucker will lay in wait in remote areas -- out in the country, a
darkened highway, a vast empty plain -- and will attack according to his
taste and his needs.
As a final note, we are supposing in this discourse that we refer to the
typical "species" or "category" of these creatures and that we must
acknowledge that in this enormous universe there may be many other life
forms that are confused with those of which we speak, or even other
sub-categories that bear separate mention with their distinguishing
characteristics -- if we only knew what they were.
Wow I never knew there was such talent out there in the vast wilderness beyond my website. Thanks to everyone that entered!
Derek "still betting on spring Heel Jack" Barnes