October 11th, 2000
Hey, what's that? You say your looking for trouble?
Well step right up, baby boy. I'm a lean, mean, freak fighting, machine. I'll burst your bubble.
I'll separate the fact from the fiction. I'll separate the yolk from the white. I'll stand outside
in the rain cause I just don't give a damn. I ain't got no scruples when it comes to chasing down
the truth. I got the snake drive. I am 50 feet tall. When I walk the woods tremble, the dark gods
quiver in fear. I wear black cause that's the way I feel on the inside. I got thunderbird skin
boots that shine in the moonlight. I glow in the dark. I am the one and the only. I float like
a butterfly and sting like a chupacabra. I eat taztelwurms for breakfast and use a werewolf fang
for a toothpick. I floated a sea serpent up the Mississippi and lost it in a poker game to H. P.
Lovecraft, Charles Fort, and the Invisible Man. (Who was cheating with a hidden ace under his
bandages.) I go faster than the speed of light. When I walk into a room, the good guys smile and
the bad guys get nervous. I make the monsters go away. I'm so tough I sleep with my foot hanging
off the bed and the closet light off. I walk alone down a dark alley with a smile on my face and
a silver bullet as a lucky charm cause I am....., I am..........
Woah, I was kinda going off there on a tangent wasn't I? Guess I needed to get that out of my system.
It's an ego thing, just bear with me.
ART, UFO'S, AND THE COMMON MAN
I trucked my butt up to Atlanta on Monday in search of an artist who claimed to know me. Turned
out he did but he wasn't the guy I thought I knew.
Check out the new story
and view the quicktime. This guy has some issues, I'm telling ya.
So I finally got those 1950's era spring shoes I won off Ebay in the mail. I was so excited I
tried them on right there in the post office (Boy, never take off your shoes in the post office.
It makes 'em nervous I tell ya) Are you waiting for the fabulous footage of me jumping up and
down like a fool? Well don't hold your breath. Lan will attest that the results of me wearing
these particular spring shoes wasn't a pretty sight. I darn near twisted my ankle when I jumped
from the dining room table to the floor. Here, allow me to demonstrate with my lovable robotic
dog, Sherlock Bones.
Diagram 1: Sherlock Bones is wearing the shoes and preparing to jump.
Diagram 2: Sherlock Bones has mistaken the amount of spring in the shoes and is
experiencing "Spring Shoe Severe Shock Syndrome"
Diagram 3: Sherlock Bones discovers the joy of gravity.
Just imagine that happening to me and not a cyberdog and you kinda get my drift.
That's why I've decided to give these suckers away. Yes-sir-ree bob, this weeks contest in my
newsletter is all about the joy of becoming the owner of these here fine, jump-o-matic's. Now
don't you wished you had signed
up to get it?
HEY YOU KIDS, GET THAT CHEVY IMPALA OFF MY MOON!
Freakylinks reader Kevin may have uncovered the biggest conspiracy since I discovered that there
ain't no such thing as fat free chocolate.
This incredible photo earned Kevin a free Freakylinks T-shirt. If you think you've got a photo worthy
to be published in Freakylinks (and worthy of a free shirt) send that sucker on over to me at
firstname.lastname@example.org. Remember our motto kids,
"At Freakylinks, we put the "f" in photoshop."
ONE LAST THING (LONG WAY DOWN)
For some reason known only to God and Bill Gates I got over 2,000 (yea that's right, 2,000) e-mails
this past weekend. So don't feel bad if I didn't e-mail you back cause you ain't alone. I do read
all the stuff I get though so don't stop. (Unless the e-mail title is "wazup" cause then I just
automatically delete it... Man, I hate that phrase.)
AND SINCE ANY GIRL THAT CAN BOIL GASOLINE GETS MY ATTENTION
HERE'S A SPECIAL SECRET MESSAGE TO 'THAT SLICK CHICK'
"Scooter my Daisy Heads"
Derek "I see Good Spirits, I See Bad Spirits" Barnes