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PAGES 10 THROUGH 13 |
PAGE 1010/18/94 I have ears of my own, thank you. The hardest part of living together is peacekeeping. How do we do it my way, and still keep him on? Why is it becoming a me and him issue anyway? In any case, I'll be taking over the alarm clock. Maybe he's forcing me into leadership because he know I will try to keep peace above all else. Sure, that's right, think of it like that...pleasant thoughts. 10/18/94 (later) I am exhausted. Last minute equipment. Beer. Tony from Florida (our neighbor) and last but not least, CRY BABY BRIDGE. We're back tomorrow night - Every passing train brings a baby's cry. Historical truth. Disturbing. Sleep important right now. |
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TRUTH/LEGEND easily confused concepts |
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PAGE 11 10/19 Into the 1st day of shooting tomorrow. Intro and Mary interview tomorrow for sure. Coffin Rock on Saturday, and hopefully the cemetary on Sunday. Anticipation. Relaxation near impossible. The guys got all the equipment together and threw in some of their own money for sleeping bag rental and some of the other camping supplies. In spite of small spurts of frustration (mostly on my part) I think, in spite of my hesitation, we are a good team. It (the project) means the most to me, but that's to be expected, and it would be odd if it were any other way. It is going to be cold! I think, okay, I know that my quasi-obsession with the project combined with feeling alienated by all the "boy stuff" that Josh and Mike will have going, that I am naturally excluded from; will make me possibly behave cuntishly. It is also possible, however, that I have become paranoid about my behavior because I am so stressed out about how much this is costing and I can't quite relax even around myself, let alone Josh and Mike. I am hoping that getting underway will be a big sigh of relief. Sorry if I am not writing sensibly. So much more in my head that can't find words. |
PAGE 12 10/20 Excellent day of shooting. Horrible night of fighting. Trust is essential for this project. I need these guys. They need a project to work on. They may both think I'm anal-but who saved the money to make a movie? Josh got trashed and didn't feel like checking anything. Mike volunteered to shoot an interview and decided to get creative with the camera, which he doesn't even know how to turn on. I have the floor (for sleeping). I am trying. I need this to work. Even though I'm not paying them, I have still sunk a lot of money in. I need to feel us working together, but I feel so alone. Maybe I truly am a weirdo. But I don't think so. I think this is a good project. But how the hell (hell) do I stay in control of it? Why do they insist on making me a third grade teacher when I just want to relax every bit as much... |
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PAGE 13 10/20 ...as they do. Every bit. It's supposed to rain all weekend. I know there will be bitching, and I can understand it. I just can't accept it. I can feel myself becoming paranoid in just the last few hours. Josh does not listen to me at all and he's supposed to be my friend. Mike is more respectful and I don't know dick about him. Money would help so much, I think. Tomorrow night we will be too cold to fight. Please God, let this work. No more alcohol on this shoot. Period. don't give a shit about their warmth excuses or whatever else they come up with. By the way, Mary Brown was bizarre. |
| Maybe I am drifting from reality. |
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